during a ym conversation, he says
"i miss talking like this to you. im sorry i had to mess things up"

how am i supposed to react to that?
i couldve said

"well yeah, you messed up big time buster. i mean you tell me you've wanted me for so long then when you finally have me, you leave me and go back to that which you swore you would never have again"

or simply

"your loss dude, your loss"

but the friend, not the ex-gf, in me says
"hey, you do know you can talk to me like this. i left the door open"

and what does he say?
"hey, the mosquitoes might go in if the door is open"

i had to push it farther
"do you really want me to close that door?"

and he grinningly answers
"what door?" with a big wide grin smiley

of course i wasnt referring to the door that might get us back together. it was a door of friendship, the one that has been always open for the past 7 years, no matter what he did

but what does he mean with "what door?" ???

dang, dealing with complicated ex-boyfriends is very, ah, complicated
of course this is the first time ive really had an ex, so im kinda clueless about the whole thing
and it only complicates matters that he was my best friend for almost 7 years

oh well....

ive always envisioned our first meeting after the official breakup
i would be wearing an outfit that would show off the pounds ive lost
my hair would be down, showing off my super stright black locks
i would give you a haughty smile and act all cool and unaffected
you would see that my life is going perfectly well, in spite of what you did to me
that i was happy, even without you in my life

well, some of them happened, although i wish you coulve warned me

i was wearing one of my jologest outfits
my hair was uncombed
i looked harassed
and when you hugged me, i couldnt help but hug back, even for just a second
but you did see that i was allright, that i was happy, that i was beautiful, in spite of everything
good thing you didnt see me a few months back huh?

but i did realize when i looked at you that night
that i still do love you
ive always done that, love you as a friend, even when you were unlovable, or doing unlovely things
call it a habit, call it a choice
but i do love you
you are probably the guy that i would love forever (not romantically always, okay?)
you are probably my Mr Big
as i will forever be charlotte

so last night, was surreal
surreal and nice
lets just hope there will be no lasting repercussions on my heart

sometimes i think of you, and i tell myself, good riddance
sometimes, i think of you, and i ask myself, how can i survive without you in my life?

sometimes i remember all the times you chose your job over me and i tell myself, why did i let that pass?
sometimes i remember all the times when you focused your entire weekends with me, and i ask myself, who will ever do that for me again?

sometimes i read your letters and then remember your betrayal, and i tell myself, never again
sometimes i read your letters and then remember your betrayal, and i ask myself, how could you have loved me and then left me?

sometimes i think of you and a smile comes to my lips as i remember the silly things you've done
sometimes i think of you and my heart constricts as i remember the pain and tears you've caused

sometimes i wanna totally erase your existence from my life
sometimes i wanna ask your ghost to stay just a little bit

sometimes there are just too many sometimes

i was fixing my room and i came upon the box of mementos of my life with him
actually it was just small stuff i started collecting since we became friends, then lovers, and even a little bit after
i knew they were things i shouldnt go over again, since the pain that has gradually seeped away, might just come rushing back at a speed that my heart is not prepared for

and so i didnt

then i had to decide whether or not i should throw them away

if i throw them away and then by some bizzare twist of fate, we still end up together (although the rational part of my mind says its highly unlikely), then i wouldve wasted all those letters, movie tickets, small gifts, diaries

but then if it does happen, then maybe what we really need is a clean slate, right?

and so, all those mementos are now in the bottom of a garbage bag

i feel like i lost another part of my body
ive been losing them for the past months

but then it is for the better

let me start a whole new me

a friend asked me yesterday to give her an update on my lovelife the past few months
i was too tamad to give her a full story, so i told it to her this way

january 1 - i learned my best guy friend (who is the ex of one of my best girl friends) has been in love with me for some time

later part of january - the ex stops talking to me

first part of february - i begin to realize that i am falling (or was i already there all along?) for him

last part of march - he starts courting me

april - we become us

june - he dumps me, says he has emotional problems

a few weeks later - he gets back together with the ex


if you look at it that way, i am justified if i murder him right?

thank God for God's grace that has helped me get through this, scathed but alive and kicking